i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
