I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
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