well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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