Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Randomize
