She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I enjoy the company of your penis
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