Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Randomize
