That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
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