I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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