Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
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