Will you blow on my dice?
I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
