My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
