My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
how does that bad decision feel?
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
