Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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