remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
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