My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
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