Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Randomize
