My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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