Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
