; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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