i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
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