I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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