It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Randomize
