im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
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