i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
