She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
now i know why i became what i already was.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
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