i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
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