Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
