my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
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