I will die if light touches me.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Randomize
