That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
