Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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