Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
