That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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