Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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