So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
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