I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
