I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
