you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Randomize
