I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
