I wanna passion pit in your ass
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
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