The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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