Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
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The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
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I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
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