so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
