She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I fill condoms, not promises.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
