I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
