I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
super hot butfun
Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Randomize
