She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Life is so much better after having sex.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
You've changed since you got that strap on
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
