Buhtt sex?
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
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