Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
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