Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
