This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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