I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
