I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Can I color on your dick again?
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
