Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize
