I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
