Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
