It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
