I think I just saw someone hide a body.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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