that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
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