made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I wish there were birth control emojis
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Randomize
