ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Randomize
